I think it goes without saying though.
I don't need to remind all of you that I am human, not perfect. I make mistakes. I mess up. I "fall of the wagon," (really don't like that term). And I struggle.
I've probably blogged about this before but maybe not often enough. This thing is NOT easy. What thing?! Health and fitness? Weight loss? All of it. I do well enough most days but in all honesty I have days even weeks when I struggle so bad.
If you've read here long enough you know I am a chronic weigher. I get on the scale more times that necessary for anyone. I have a morning ritual that is as ridiculous as anything you've ever seen. Wake up, get out of bed, undress, weigh, pee, weigh. I do the same thing when I get home at night if I make it back to my bedroom before dinner. It's pretty pathetic and shameful really. Often times it can set the mood for my entire day and how I view myself.
If I don't like the number I see I get mad, I say some pretty awful things about myself and let it just consume me and my thoughts. And while you would thing seeing a higher number than I like on the scale would make me push harder to work towards my goal there are times I make excuses for it and don't put forth the work needed.
It's not always the work in the gym I'm talking about. You see the fitness part of this whole journey isn't hard for me usually. I LOVE working out, I love the daily calorie burn, I love the feeling of accomplishment and I love that usually that is quality time spent with my husband. Where does the struggle come from? What makes it hard? Food. Sometimes no matter how well I eat I damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I can follow a healthy eating plan, no processed crap, tons of fruits and veggies and lean meat and step on that scale even after a good, long, hard run and be up a few pounds. YES, few pounds! It's very discouraging. I think it is also something that others don't see me go through because I rarely talk about the struggle side of my journey. Unless of course you're my husband then um, well... He catches almost all of the negative and does try to be as encouraging as he can. Supportive. And you all know how I feel about having a good support system when it comes to health, fitness, and weight loss. It's a need, a big one.
Right now my struggle comes from the fact that I am not able to run 3-4 days a week like I had been. Running has been my "crutch" so to speak in keeping lean (don't laugh, I know I'm no skinny girl but running gives me a sense of lean that these other workouts don't) and feeling fit. While I may not have lost any of my fitness during my injury I feel like I have taken a step backwards in healthiness. I burn a lot more calories running than I do swimming or on the elliptical. The injury has kept me from being able to take some of the classes I love and in turn has thrown my whole workout routine off.
What does that mean? It means my weekly calorie burn isn't as high. It means I have to (or should be) working harder with my "diet" so as to not see a little rise in the scale. But let me be honest with you here. It's not what I am doing. I had high hopes of doing so. I still do all the same things I did before.. weekly menu planning, buying healthy foods, pre-planning and packing all my meals for the work day. But where have I slipped up? Sugar.
Wanna know something about sugar? That crap is evil. Yes it is crap. Sure I have been good in the past about packing my little daily after lunch treat and limiting myself to just one or two mini chocolates but that's not where the problem lies. The problem lies with the fact that I sometimes lack impulse control.
"Hey, bring me a fountain Diet Coke and a Reese cup."
What? Yes, folks, that is a text I recently sent my husband. He obliged. And I did partake. Then I spent the next 2 hours beating myself up about being fat and gross and unhealthy. I've worked really hard the last 3 years to lose weight, become an athlete and live an overall healthy life which has made me a happier person overall. But the lack of impulse control when it comes the evilness that is sugar is not a good thing, ever.
This is just me keeping it real and being honest with you. I often feel like I have to hide behind this strong girl with tons of will power image that I feel like so many have of me. Sure I AM those things and have been. I want to be a good example, as I feel I am usually, for others but I also want others to know that every day is not a perfect picture of health for me. I try hard for it to be but I struggle. If I didn't struggle I don't think I would even be considered a success at all.
How does that even make sense? Maybe it doesn't. What I'm saying is, if I sat back and told you this was easy and I didn't struggle I'd be lying. I'd like to paint a perfect picture so that selling health and wellness and fitness was more appealing to others. That's not real life though. I've not met a single person on their weight loss and fitness journey that has ever said, "Oh yeah, it was so easy for me." Uh huh. If that was the case no one in America would be overweight and everyone would finding ways to stay active and fit.
Such is not the case.
It could be easier based solely on mindset and how much we are willing to do for ourselves. That being said (and this may sound as though I'm talking out both sides of my mouth but hang with me) for me to be able to get over that negative demon (remember those haters I have living in my head??), the scale obsession, the sugar binges, the ugly of any of it I am going to have to realize that I am human, I will make bad decisions and the only way I can overcome that is to not dwell on them day in and day out but rather pick myself up, brush off the dust and go back to what I know is "right" and will work for me to become the success story that I have shared with so many.
It's funny how when I started this post I thought it would be more for you to understand who I am and what I go through daily on this "journey" (I hate to call it a journey since it is now my every day life) but I feel like the further I have gotten into it that it's more of a reminder for me. A reminder that I knew from day one this would not be easy. A reminder to myself that I need to focus not on the negative or how far I still have to go to reach my goal but on how far I have come since the day I took the first step. It's a reminder that it is ok to let others see both sides of this. It's a reminder to myself to stand proud every day and appreciate what I have accomplished.
I am not perfect but I am always trying to be a better me.
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