Thursday, January 23, 2014

A note to myself.

Back when I started this blog it seemed I had all the words to say and could write a post most any day of the week. It seemed like I knew how to lose weight and was dropping weekly. I was 110% into the gym and doing everything right to make progress. I was excited and energetic about ME and my whole journey.

Lately, I have no words to write or when I do they escape my brain as soon as they enter. I blame that partly on my busy life but really it shouldn't be an excuse. With smart phones these days one would think making notes would come easy. I have a reference guide at my fingertips and rarely use it. Oops.

I won't say I am not still excited and energetic about me and this whole journey I am and have been on. I also won't say that I am not 110% into the gym and my workouts. What I will say is this... I'm not progressing as far as weight loss goes like I want to right now. The reality is that I've gained (Yes, gained!!) 15 lbs in the last 2 yrs but mostly in the last few months between the end of marathon training and now. I will go on to say that I am super bummed about that.

What am I doing?
Is what I am doing wrong? Am I not doing enough?

Here is what I am doing -

Running 5 days a week. Logging at least 30 miles per week.
One BodyPump class a week. One BodyFlow class a week.

I do so very good during the work hours and mostly at night with the occasional treat in there.
I log my food either in a paper journal I keep in my bag or on my iPhone (see I do use it as a reference tool) on the LoseIt! app. Heck, I even take pictures of my food and Instagram them like a crazy person sometimes.

So, what gives??
I will tell you. My mind. I stress too much over this not happening or that happening. What exactly is that? The scale not moving. My clothes not fitting right. Not making this workout or not hitting my pace for that workout. It is driving me crazy!! Crazy.

I keep looking back at pictures from last yr and the yr before. I see SO much more than I see in my current pictures. I see so much more even in those pictures than I see in the mirror image of myself and I do NOT like it. I don't like the feeling I get when I realize (and I realize it a lot) that I am different (and not really in a great way) now than I was even 6 months ago. I keep fighting with the little voice in my head going between, "You'll get there," to "What the crap is going on?" It would be so easy to give up this fight right now and let myself go. But, I can't. I won't. There is no sense in even thinking that way.

Sometimes I think if I could just find a quick fix to snap myself out of things, but honestly is a quick fix worth it. NO, we (or I rather) gain nothing from quick fixes. Why? They're temporary and usually have no lasting effects (at least not of the positive kind). Complaining about the scale being up or feeling like a bundle of bloat doesn't fix my problem. It doesn't make the pounds come off or my image of myself any better. Instead it adds the frustration.

It seems like my last post was full of negativity and complaints much like this one. I don't really intend for that to be the case. I want this to be more of a "I know what I am doing wrong and this is how I will fix it," type of post to myself. I DO know the areas that need a bit of work and tweaking. I DO know what needs to be done in order for them to be "fixed." So, why is it difficult some days to keep my mindset headed in that direction?

It is not that I lack determination or motivation to eat right or workout.
I lack patience. I lack patience these days when it comes to results.

I have to get my mind back to one day at a time, one run at a time, one workout at a time.
Baby steps. I've already taken so many baby steps this week. The key will be to not let the baby steps forward end in a giant leap back.

You can do this. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Believe.

1 comment:

  1. There are no quick fixes. It is all just one step at a time (speaking of... what happened to Heidi - we need to get on her about not blogging?!?).

    And remember - you are absolutely beautiful, lovely and complete just as you are today. Losing weight makes you no more valuable than you are at this very moment. Losing weight may help your clothes fit better or help you enjoy what you see in the mirror more, but you are loved just as you are.

    And take baby steps!